Tulisa

Fantasy Bob was unable to join the general rejoicing that Tulisa Contostavlos had been voted sexiest woman in the world this week in a magazine poll.  Unable, because he had never heard of her.  His researches reveal that she is a judge on The X-Factor and was formerly with the rap group N Dubz.

diZZee
 in his
natural habitat

However he understands that go ahead Edinburgh cricket club Carlton has had a significant, but unacknowledged, impact on Tulisa's career to date.  For everything Tulisa knows about the LBW law has been down to Carlton's revered President diZZee khaRTah.

diZZee, a stern educationalist by day, has an alternative identity as Portobello's favourite rapper, and has a large following of devoted fans among FB's worldwide readership of 3.  diZZee's fans should be outraged that their hero has not been given a writing or production credit in Tulisa's latest chartopping hit 'Young'.  Because fans will clearly see his influence on this production, for the lyric is based on a new umpire's coming to terms with the challenges of their career.

And this is something  diZZee knows all about. Still a bowler of miserly spells, diZZee is also a dedicated umpire and will stand all day in the hope of an LBW decision.

diZZee first made contact with Tulisa when she left N Dubz. He told FB, 'Yo homie, I saw her great potential as an umpire even then.  As you can see from the photos here, her signals were pretty good. But I was worried when she left N Dubz that this potential would be lost.  All she needed was to be reminded about the ball having to hit in line. So I sent her a series of e-mails coaching her and explaining all the laws to her. Although she never responded, it is obvious that she has worked hard at this, and the new song is the outcome.'

Six!

Here, in a world exclusive, diZZee explains the song's deep meaning to FB.

The first verse goes:

Forgive me for what I have done
Cause I'm young
Yeah I'm young

diZZee explains: 'The inexperienced umpire clearly did not see the inside edge nicking the ball on the pad. It can happen to anyone and it is very sporting to confess like this.  A more experienced umpire might call the batter back - but as a young umpire she is unsure of whether that is legitimate.'   

The next verse is

I don't mean to frighten you off
It's just fun
It's just fun

Wide

'Of course this refers to the old trick of the lower league umpires of lifting their hand after the appeal only theatrically to pass a stone from hand to hand rather than raise the finger. I told her once how I had worked this on FB - I'll never forget the look on his face.  She and me had a real laugh about it.' says diZZee with a chuckle.

Then there is a bridge passage

We live on the edge of life
We don't even compromise
We rush because we're out of time

diZZee says he has no idea what this means - neither does FB - it may be a reference to a power play.

The lyric then returns to ask forgiveness for mistakes - which, as diZZee says, is clearly all any umpire can expect.

diZZee is modest about his influence on Tulisa's career.  He did however confess to FB that he thinks she has the ability to become a great umpire and maybe even good enough for the East of Scotland League.  FB will watch her progress with interest.