On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me six geese a-laying......
Or did he? The match report goes on from that point to tell a likely story of the Garden of Eden (now known to have been located very near Aberdeen) and a serpent and a woman and an apple. After that things appear to have taken a turn for the worse, other than the invention of Eve's Pudding.
And on the seventh day the Doughty Groundsman thought he deserved a rest and had just put his feet up unto himself when the club skipper called unto him on his mobile and saith. 'We have arranged a friendly against a touring side. Can you create a wicket.'
And the doughty groundsman muttereth under his breath and saith unto anyone who would listen which is noone 'Now you tell me - after I had set you up with that Eve bird I thought you might have something else to do today.'
And he hast heaved himself into the seat of the heavy roller and hast pressed the starter button unto himself.
For forty days and forty nights he rolleth the square and he saw that it was good. He separateth the thatch and moweth the grass to leave a short covering on the perfect surface. It addeth pace and bounce. He hast repaired the footholds. He hast marked the creases and sayeth unto the juniors 'Keep thy b***** feet off the square'. And they were sore afraid.
For the Doughty Groundsman laboureth through the morning as the light separateth from the darkness and his tea flask emptieth unto his chipped enamel mug. Even unto the last.
And lo his work is accomplished. And he texteth unto the club skipper that it is good. And the club skipper raiseth up a great cry of praise unto the Doughty Groundsman.
And lo the cricketers of the earth assembleth before the Pavilion and make unto themselves a joyful noise on their i-Pods.
And the stumps are setteth in the ground. But the clouds darken the sky and unto them the rain doth fall. It scuddeth down from the firmament and the Doughty Groundsman thinketh unto himself 'Sod this for game of soldiers.'
Thus spake the Doughty Groundsman for he doth scarify in the name of the Lord.
And so beginneth the book of Lamentations.