Thursday, 23 June 2011

Life Enhancement Therapy

Fantasy Bob is a shy, unassuming kind of egotist of the kind who rarely draws attention to himself or his achievements.  Observers will be quick to say that this is because he has no achievements to which to draw attention.  FB will not rise to this baiting, but will let posterity be the judge of his contribution to the scorebook.

However FB will put his mask of reclusiveness down and note that the pages of a national newspaper have described his witterings as life enhancing.  FB had never considered this a remote possibility, but it having been written in such an august journal, he has to conclude it is true.  For such a periodical would not misdescribe anything.  Political figures throughout Scotland constantly remind us of this historic publication's unerring way with the truth.

FB's readers may not recognise that their life is enhanced by reading his witterings, so subtle is the effect.  Many readers, probably 2 out of the 3 of them, feel simply miserable as a result of scanning these pages, lamenting the time lost when they could have done something useful like sitting looking into empty space.

Freud -
reluctant to face
swing bowling
But FB thinks there must be something in this for he has noticed that a wide variety of life enhancing therapies is available through the internet-type-thingy.  He has therefore decided to venture out in business.  For a small fee he offers life enhancement therapy to cricketers.  Psycho-therapy has never ventured into this territory before - it is well known that Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of off-cutters which is expressed through his analysis of the Oedipus complex which repressed cricket.  So FB is in new ground.  But, in common with the other reputable psychotherapists he warns that positive change can only be achieved through personal commitment to change.  In other words, if it doesn't work then it's your fault.

By way of illustration of what he can offer, FB has specially adapted for cricketers a set of 10 minute life enhancement techniques developed by some American brainbox with lots of letters (not in alphabetical order) after his name.   This earnest chap says 'Sadly, many people measure happiness by how long the experience lasts. The truth is that a few minutes of joy here and there can make a big difference in what you get out of life.'  This is so obviously a comment that any lower league batter should bear in mind when he walks out to bat.  Duration of the experience is not the issue.  But here are the therapies:
Spend a little while watching the sunset with your mate. Nothing extra is necessary. Just sit and take in the natural beauty of the sky and appreciate being able to share it with the one you love.  FB's cricketer's version - just don't bat at the end facing the setting sun when the slow bowler who bowls lobs is on.
Sit quietly by yourself. It doesn't really matter where or when. Just let your feelings bubble up and then experience the thoughts flowing out of your mind. Clearing your head and heart will give you extra energy to get through the rest of the day.  FB's cricketer's version - this therapy is particularly useful when you've just been triggered LBW by your so called team mate reckoning that a ball that pitched 2ft outside leg and hit you a foot above the knee would have gone on to break the wicket.
Another excuse for FB to post
a picture of the lithe Ms Pandey
Write a thank you note to your mate. When was the last time you thanked your partner for just being who he or she is and being with you? Doing this in writing will give your partner something to cherish for the rest of his or her life.  FB's cricketer's version - of course your mate is thankful to get you out of the house on a Saturday but you should preserve the fiction that it is a great sacrifice on her part and she sits by the window pining until your triumphant return when she hangs spellbound on your every word as you describe every ball of your 10 over spell.
Take out your oldest family photo album and look through it. The experience will fill you with fond memories and perhaps make you a bit wistful for days gone by.  FB's cricketer's version - you will be reminded of the nascent Bradman that you used to be in that picture of beach cricket in a howling gale on an otherwise deserted Scottish beach and wistfully confirm that your true merits have never been seen by the ignorant dolts who are the selection committee.
Play with a child. Most kids have short attention spans; ten minutes of quality time from a loving adult can make their day. It will also help you stay in touch with the child inside of you.  FB's cricketer's version - bowling full pace even as that is restricted by your advanced age may scare the wits out of the juniors but it is seriously life enhancing for you.  Juniors are generally pleased to share in your life enhancement exercises in this way.
Visualize or imagine a positive outcome for any issue. Medical doctors recommend visualization to patients with chronic and potentially fatal illnesses. If it can help them, it can do the same for you.  FB's cricketer's version - visualisation of Ms Poonam Pandey can have immediate impact.
Go to bed with the one you love ten minutes earlier than usual. Then spend that time just holding each other. Let the feeling of warmth from your mate move through you.  FB's cricketer's version - there is no connection between this therapy and the reference to Ms Pandey immediately above.  Players at different stages in their careers may find 10 minutes too long or too short.  Be guided by the inner you.
Hang out by some water. Studies show that hospital patients who can see a natural body of water from their beds get better at a 30 percent faster rate. If you're not near the coast or a lake, try taking a bath. Doing so is also healing.  FB's cricketer's version - batsmen who can see a body of water from the crease score 30% more runs.  Get the club to work on that water feature now.  If stuck on that have a shower.

Enhanced life starts now.  Please send payment to FB c/o Carlton Cricket Club.

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