Friday, 8 April 2011

Bags of preparation

About to give up its treasure
The new cricket season is frighteningly close.  So in common with cricketers the world over, Fantasy Bob has dug deep into the loft and rescued his cricket bag from where it was thrown at the end of August last year.  Days have slipped by and his well intentioned September promise to clear it out before putting it away was the victim of what is known in FB's household as Typical Male Procrastination. 

But out the bag has come.  FB's bag has a miscellany of pockets and compartments.  No doubt the manufacturer had something in mind in designing these, but their true purpose is just to get things lost and hidden.  As in previous seasons therefore, the bag is a cornucopia and this year it has coughed up the following treasure:

2  Alpen bars - crushed but helpfully providing the new season's penicillin supply
1 tube of ibuprofen gel (burst)
3  dirty socks, none of which matches to either of the others
1 crumpled scorecard, apparently showing FB's contribution of 0 and 0 for 46, obviously fictional, he has no recollection of any such match
1 towel, still damp
2 spanners, whose cricketing purpose has yet to be defined
1 Afrika Corps style sun hat with chin strap, never worn - but used to threaten juniors to apply their sun cream if they do not want to wear it (FB is confirming with the Scottish Children's Commissioner that this tough love approach is in the junior's interests and cannot be considered child abuse)
1 roll of bat tape, with no indication where the end of the tape is
1 roll of sticking plaster (ditto)
1 pair boxer shorts, bearing inappropriately macho logo
1 bail, earnestly sought in August by doughty groundsman Magnus Moon and whose disappearance was attributed by FB to members of the First XI
1stump, more correctly one half stump (ditto)
1 comb, with remaining teeth proportionate to FB's receding hairline
1 radiator bleeding key, declared lost in October following major household search involving rescue services when the household heating was put back on and whose absence necessitated expensive overhaul of entire heating system
13 bits of biro pen, none of which assemble to one useful item
cricket spikes, in number exactly 1 fewer than the number required by any make of boot
1 badly twisted spike key, with blood stains
4 bat grips of various colours and types all inside out
1 bottle bat oil, sealed but mysteriously empty
loose change - 2.31 pounds, 3.57 euros, 7 shillings and 4 pence and 1 zloty

............and there is some cricket kit as well which could prove useful.


  1. Hard to know how to comment really, except to express relief at not being present when said bag was opened.

  2. Pandora's box comes to mind. On second thoughts, let's not go there.

  3. Silly Point - FB would like to assure all those of sensitive disposition such as yourself that protective clothing was made available - it was like a scene from Silent Witness.

    K - hope was left at the bottom of Pandora's cricket bag and that is appropriate at the start of the season - FB's hopes are high that this year the hundred will become a reality.

  4. very good FB. My problem is that-having spent 3 seasons trying to squeeze too much into my bag- ALL the zips have gone...
    So a new one has been ordered in order to avoid the embarrassment of having the entire contents of my bag pour out on the No. 23 bus...

  5. CJE - thanks FB can therefore use the 23 again without fear of being washed away by your detritus. He hopes you and your new bag have a long and fruitful life together.

  6. yes relief allround-I doubt the Morningside ladies on their way to Jenners would have appreciated my 13 yr old box bouncing down the aisle.