Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Ask Hadley

Hadley -
let her tell you what
to wear in the field
Fantasy Bob has mentioned before how he enjoys greatly the weekly fashion column in the Guardian written by Ms Hadley Freeman.  She responds to readers' enquiries about the proper reading of the latest dress fads amongst the fashionistas, acidly deconstructing much of the nonsense that is the fashion world.  FB has, over recent months made various enquiries of her, seeking her help on his agonised indecision about matters of dress etiquette, but she has never managed to publish her responses - however she forwarded them to him earlier this week and he is sure his readers will find their guidance useful.

Is is permissible to wear Gray Nicolls gloves with Kookaburra pads?

Well Bob, the Fantasy is all yours.  On the assumption that we're not talking incontinence pads here, there are trends and there are trends.  It is one of the miracles of evolution that to a fashionista what was so yesterday today can tomorrow seem so today and tomorrow can be so yesterday again.  Yesterday all your troubles might have been Gray Nicolls gloves but now you can take the Kerry Katona line - and she has taken a whole mess of lines.  Gloves are there for a purpose - to make your hands look elegant and swan neck like and all that a Southern Belle at her first ball could want.  A glove that does this for you can sit with any pad.  All you need is love.

In which fielding positions should the balaclava be worn?

When the Lord,  in that infinite wisdom that was His exclusive property before it was blabbed all over by the 24 hour rolling Old Testament news service thus blowing His intellectual property rights, invented the balaclava, He, (and I stick with gender convention in the He-ness of the big He) maybe had in mind a purpose for it.   Before prophet became profit, He had The Fashion Sense of All Fashion Senses.  'Maybe on the ski slope,' He thought.  'Maybe for terrorist type activities such as will become popular in the land of milk and honey.  But I'm not thinking cricket here.  No way Moses.'  So what I'm saying here FB, is if your spirit moves you to don the balaclava on the greensward, you are Out There Big Time, you truly are the Lady Gaga, the J P Gaultier of the cricket world.  You must face up to your responsibilities, even though your face would be covered.  I'm not saying never never and I recognise that the cold wind doth blow in, and round, your parts, but hey Bob, the Paris shows have been balaclava-light for a reason. Think about it.

Should that baggy old sleeveless sweater be worn so it covers the bum entirely or should it let some of the elegant curve of one's derriere be visible?

Hems go up and hems come down.  So, Bob, now we're talking serious fashion dilemma.  It is the age old problem from the first inhabitants of the Garden of Eden to Miss Britney Spears costuming herself for her latest presentation.  How much to show and how much to leave to the imagination of the watcher?  But this imagination thing is quite out of fashion in our era. Nothing can be left to it - it has been inheritance-taxed out of existence.   It is dispossessed.  Our time is show time.  So cut your cloth accordingly.


  1. You could of course go the whole hog and cover up completely, as is currently fashionable in France I believe. FB opening the batting in an elegant Burka or Niqab - now that would be a sight worth seeing.

  2. Many thanks Silly Point - there are generally many sights worth seeing when FB is at the crease.

  3. I'm concerned Ms Hadley is all about Fashion and not about Function. Surely the whole point of fielding in a balaclava is the ability to take sledging to a whole new level of intimidation? Imagine Malcolm Marshall sporting a ski mask and then saying to David Boon ” Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?”...

  4. Barnacle - welcome to these pages. You have the point exactly, just like FB's bowling form should trump function. The thought that Marshall would need additional aids to be intimidating suggests you have been desensitised by too much post watershed TV.