The Brit Awards

There was massive disappointment among Carlton's music loving elite when the shortlists for the prestigious Brit Awards were announced last week.  Carlton musicophiles were quietly confident that their revered President Dizzeee Khartah would feature prominently in the listings.

Some students of Fantasy Bob’s nonsense may be less than fully familiar with the iconic figure of Dizzeee Khartah and are wondering what on earth FB is all about.  (Not an unusual experience for many who chance on this quaint corner of the blogosphere.)

Me hide me bling
When me umpiring

To recap, the revered President of the go ahead Edinburgh Cricket Club, DC Carter, is a well-respected educationalist and hockey player.  His fearsome reputation as a bowler of miserly spells and an umpire of stern rectitude, liable to give LBW decisions purely on aesthetic grounds, goes before him.

But in the course of last season, FB revealed that DC has a secret identity.  At the shake of a golden necklace he will transform himself into the bling encrusted Dizzeee Khartah, Portobello’s favourite rap star.  In his raps he seeks to emulate Mr Dizzee Rascal to address the challenges facing today's inner city youth, particularly in getting bargain prices at selective retail outlets. 

Disgracefully, the Brit judges have overlooked Dizzeee’s claims in favour of a clutch of artists that no one (well FB anyway) has heard of, and another set of artists to whom no one but the terminally tone deaf would listen.  FB suspects he is being pandered to by the inclusion in the lists of aging heavy hitting bat Robert Plant.  He is not so easily fooled.

Many cricket fans thought that the category of Breakthrough Artist would at least recognise the work of Steve Finn. Even more amazingly this is one set of awards that Sachin Tendulkar is not set to dominate.

But to demonstrate the artistic quality that has so capriciously been spurned by the judges, here is a sample of Dizzeee’s recent work:

Yeah, yeah, we bring the stars out
We bring the bats and the balls and the pads out
Let's have a four, a maiden over, get a run out
And we can do this until we pass out

Tinie Tempah he ain’t as cool as Dizzeee Khartah

That high fashion it’s ma passion I’m a martyr

But at Lidl it’s a fiddle a disaster

Their bling ain’t gold leaf but painted plaster

Dizzy Rascal thinks he’s cool but he’s a hobo

Cos I’m cruising Portobello in ma Volvo

But with the girls man it always seems no – no

Cos my fashion sense is all been got in CostCo

Yeah, yeah, we bring the stars out
We bring the bats and the balls and the pads out
You’ve had a swing they say howzat, and man that’s you out
And we can do this until we pass out

Test Match Quality.  It's the Brits' loss.

If you want to compare Dizzeee's work with Mr Tinie Tempah's inferior original Pass Out here's a link.